The truth is not funny, or even particularly interesting.

All five of our readers have hopefully noticed that fall2006 is now approaching a fever pitch of hot posting activity!  How long can Andy and Glen keep this up? How long can two grown men tell lies to each other about their own band?

Why does it fall to me, arguably among the funniest people in show business (placed 3rd in the Pigeon Forge Hog Show Comedy Jamboree – Non Hog-Related Long Form Humor Essay Division) to bring you the somber facts?

It falls to me because if it is to be me, it is up to me.  Remember, when the chips are down, or you’ve thrown them in, or whatever it is you do with chips, the Ace of Bass is only one letter and a stressed long vowel away from becoming the Ass of Bass.

So, what have we been up to?

Well, if you are employed by a producer of alcoholic beverages, perhaps you’ve heard our “Holiday Song” on your intra-office company holiday e-card? You probably didn’t hear as much of us as we would have liked, but I think you heard us playing the cocktail shaker.

Otherwise, we have been:

1. Working on our latest Christmas EP (which we hope to be debuting on this site and others sometime this week)

2. Re-tracked bass on “White People Nervous”, because the original version WAS JUST TOO PUNK FOR YOU TO HANDLE, MAN.

3. Spent four consecutive days with a compass, the Rosetta Stone, and a tuning fork, trying to arrange a bass part for “The Good Ship Kendrick Sampson”.  Fun fact: If you sing this song as “The Bullshit Kendrick Sampson”, you will laugh a little bit because it’s a little bit naughty and it tickles the funny bone to be so ribald.

4. I think I did more bass. I don’t know anymore.

5. Did Andy play more drums? He was certainly there.

6. We were joined last Thursday by very special guest Diane WIlliams, aka D.W.Box (aka D.W.Box and One Long Song) who excited, surprise, and perhaps even disarmed and alarmed us with her enthusiasm for the project.  She sang “backup” on “Your Open Heart Becomes a Grave”, turning it into a formidable, soulful duet.  It sounds really, really cool.

Check her out at the various places you would check such things out…I’m guessing myspace?  Google?  We’ll throw a link up in the links section soon.

Being a creative sort of person, she not only did the vocals, she also volunteered WITH LITTLE TO NO COERCION OR GUNPLAY ON OUR END to write some guitar and key parts for the song.

As is the custom, once she was done with her parts, Danny strapped her into the “Guest Iron Maiden” and made her listen to several of our tracks.  If the person reacts positively, the restraints are loosened.  If they fail to react to all, or comment on how we are “really nice guys”, then the infernal contraption is tightened further.

Diane reacted positively enough to earn her release that night, and what’s more, she volunteered to add some vocals to “Choke Walkin’”, one of the songs borne from the original Ultra Pulverize jam.

7. We convened on Saturday (aka The Cardinal Sabbath) so that drummer emeritus E.J. “Jayse” Nunn could lay down thunder on “Welcome to the Show”.  The man remains the flesh equivalent of a metronome.  There was an unfortunate bout of tears when I asked him to perhaps change up the pattern on the choruses, but these things must be done.

I laid down bass and guitar on this one as a guide, which I will have to redo because I’m not very good at it.  Once it’s done it will be nigh unrecognizable, as I understand that Danny has drafted a stellar guest vocalist for the main vocal, and we hope to have Dennis “Shredder” Sheridan lay down some guitar beauty.

Speaking of which.

8. I think he mentioned it below (and probably above as well) but Glen and I got to catch Andy in his newest musical venture, “Creature Island”, which also features Dennis Sheridan (Follow the Train, Blue Goat War).  It was really, really cool, and we highly recommend that you head over to their webpage or their myspace or their facebook or whatever the hell it is.

And now I will use my mental powers to command Andy Hurt to appear and provide you with links to all of the things I just mentioned above.

And now I am sleepy.